One year ago.  Yes, one year ago, I remember driving to Dr. Simpson’s office (our pediatrician).  I remember that my boys were taking their afternoon naps with Aunt Sally, so I could take Lydia without them noticing that I was gone for an hour or two. 

I remember, inviting a friend of mine to Bible study.  I remember wondering if any of the girls would make it to my house before Lydia and I made it home.

I remember waiting, waiting, waiting in the exam room while Lydia slept in her car seat and I played a stupid game on my cellphone over and over and over.  I remember the nurse entering our room and asking for another sample of blood, because there was an error with the first sample.  I remember waiting, waiting, waiting and playing, playing, playing some more.

I remember Dr. Simpson and his nurse coming in and I saw Jesus Himself.  He touched my hand and told me that I had to get Lydia to children’s immediately and that they would tell me that she had leukemia. 

I remember telling Dr. Simpson that I didn’t know whether he was a christian or not, but that I had seen Christ in his face.  I remember him laying his hands on Lydia and me and praying with power.

I remember the envelope that he gave me to hand the nurses in the emergency room.  I still wonder what it said.

I remember the clear directions of how to drive there, park and enter the ER…a place I had never been before.

I remember the nurses at the pediatricians offering to drive me.  I remember thinking that Lydia couldn’t wait for an ambulance, she had to get there right then.

I remember calling David and telling him.  I remember being afraid that this could shake his faith, because I had met a friend of a friend just one week prior that said he couldn’t be a christian because of childhood cancer.  I remember being sad for him and thinking, God is ALWAYS good, even during the worse.  I remember David hurting for his baby, but having faith in God’s sovereignty.

I remember 6 doctors – hem/onc, PICU, and ER doctors in our smallish ER room talking to me about Lydia’s condition.  I remember telling them what I understood…she had cancer, she would probably die, but they were going to do everything they could to save her life. 

I remember Lydia giggling and cooing.  I remember asking an angelic woman to hold her for me, because I felt like I was going to pass out.  That angel is now Lydia’s doctor.  How blessed.

I remember not knowing whether Lydia would live or die,  but that God was in control.  His hand was all over this.

I remember Tim, one of our pastors, spending the night with Dave and me in the PICU.  I remember cracking up, laughing and smiling during that time.  I remember promising Tim that he could be the pastor at Lydia’s wedding.  I remember dreaming past the nightmare we were in.

I remember the PICU doc calling me back after he had MacGyvered something to do a blood transfer.   I remember the blood that the removed from her body, that it was mostly white.

I also remember not sleeping with any of my three kids that night.  

Yes, tears are pouring as I write this.  God is SO big and He has brought Lydia and us all so far.  He isn’t stopping now.  Believe it or not transitioning out of crisis mode is very difficult.  The biggest lesson I have learned is to enjoy the moments.  All of them, even the toughest.  I have to remind myself of this often.

I remember so much more of this day than I really want too, but I really want too remember.