I have had no better teacher, in life, to teach me about control (or lack there of) than illness…and my three year old son.  Yes, my oldest turned three today!  Lydia and I got to celebrate the whole day with the family.  We had so much fun eating his “Bob the Builder” cake.

As recently posted: fear, pride, and sleep deprivation is a dangerous combination.  Thank you all for the outpouring of support that you have shown, and the faithfulness of God to be so close to me as I continue to shed the fear that has been so overwhelming.  Every comment that was posted, spoke near and dear to my heart.  Tonight I want to confess to you the pride I have been experiencing.  It is the pride of control.  I have never been able to control or fix Lydia’s cancer (when she had it).  As we are getting closer and closer to her being well, suddenly I am trying to take control back.  Control that I never had even before diagnosis, but control that I always secretly desired. 

This is becoming more and more evident as I have re-entered motherhood for my boys.  Oh, how I want to control their behavior, but ultimately they have the choice to be obedient or not.  Then reap the conciquences of their choices.  All I can do is guide them the best I can.  It can be so frustrating when all I want is in their best interest.  I wonder what God thinks of me when He guides me and I disobey?  I am so thankful for redemption, but that is a whole different topic.

It is scary feeling out of control.  The pride of being out of control is the killer here.  This is exactly where God is asking me to trust Him.  He is in control, whether I think I am or not.  I need to give Him all of the control and trust Him with everything that He has blessed me with.

Lydia, has needed additional meds for nausea this weekend.  Tuesday is our clinic day.  Previously, I have been trying to diagnose her myself whenever she has any problems.  Instead, I am keeping a diary of symptoms and how I treated them with medicine.  This way, I can give the information to the doctors and not try to keep the control.  This step is a hard one for me.

The funny thing is, I never thought I was a control freak!