Fear, pride, and sleep deprivation…NEVER a good combination. Fear of the unknown is the worse fear I have ever experienced. Yet, that is where we all live. You never know what the next day will bring. You can have your plans, but ordinary life changes all the time. All this to say, a word like “cancer” is big and scary, but the fear of cancer, held more power than the illness itself. At least that has been true on our journey. Once Lydia was diagnosed, we dealt with the situation, not knowing the outcome, but trusting God. The same was true of Lydia’s brain surgeries. I was petrified of the possibilities, but once we were given a road-map, I could deal with the surgeries.
Now I sit waiting, wondering what her next problem could be. Will GVHD come out in full force? I have been crying my eyes out all week, waiting in fear. Lydia was sick to her stomach this morning and I kept wondering is this it? I continually give Lydia over to Him, but the fear of the unknown has been eating away at me…until I realized (just this evening) that it was the fear, not even the circumstance that has been my enemy.
Little Leaps of Faith 
August 14, 2008 at 5:55 am
I am confident that you can beat the fear again this time. Don’t let it win.
You can handle whatever life throws your way. You’re good enough, you’re smart enough, and doggone it, we all love you.
August 14, 2008 at 10:08 am
Liz,
I read every single post, but I must be so wrapped up in the fears and daily struggles of my own little world that I tend to put off a response – always meaning to write later. Later never seems to happen.
However, today, I heard your pleas and recognize that fear in my own life. My intelligent mind says God says don’t worry, so don’t. It’s as simple as that. Do what you have to do, but let God handle the rest.
But my heart has a little more difficult time understanding what that means, so I find myself trying so hard to make sure that I do everything “right.” Maybe I think God won’t have to work so hard if I handle a few things for Him. OR, maybe I really don’t trust Him to be my Savior.
Either way, I grieve with you and offer you my prayer that you can rest in HIS comfort and allow Him to be your Savior.
I love you.
Anna
August 14, 2008 at 10:10 am
Hi Sweet Friend,
You are so wise and insightful to realize that fear is the enemy.
Romans 8:15
For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.”
In prophesy of Jesus, we read:
Isaiah 11:1-3
1 A shoot will come up from the stump of Jesse;from his roots a Branch will bear fruit.
2 The Spirit of the LORD will rest on him—
the Spirit of wisdom and of understanding,
the Spirit of counsel and of power,
the Spirit of knowledge and of the fear of the LORD –
3 and he will delight in the fear of the LORD. He will not judge by what he sees with his eyes,or decide by what he hears with his ears.
We can rest and trust in the One who is all-knowing and all-good. The only “fear” that is beneficial to us is the fear of the Lord.
A holy reverence for our loving Father.
I wish you peace and joy and I’m praying that the GVHD will not be a major issue with our lovely Lydia.
Hugs,
Jo
August 14, 2008 at 10:21 am
Bless your heart!!!! We are to come to Jesus like a child, and children have many fears! They also easily put their trust in people they know love them. Jesus loves you, Liz!!! I’ll be praying for you to feel His love and have power to to say, “NO!!!,” to those fears as they pop up. The devil came to kill, steal, and destroy. He’s just trying to plague you in this way since miss Lydia is doing so fabulous! I would say “hang in there” but don’t! Relax in God’s grace, peace, and love! I love you!!! 🙂 Alli
August 14, 2008 at 12:19 pm
Precious Liz! The Peace of the Lord to you, Lydia and the family. May God continue his healing to our little champ and transform all fear & anger into gratitude, peace, hope and love. We are all better people because of baby Lydia. She has helped us all to focus on what really is important in life. She has been an angel to us all. Be not overwhelmed. It is truly a journey of one day at a time. Cindy, Claire & I love y’all so much! Hope to see you soon. Daddy
August 14, 2008 at 12:40 pm
Simply stated, but profoundly understood…. remember the whole miracle and believe for it.
p.s. – Ethan reeked of beets after his transplant!
August 14, 2008 at 12:44 pm
Liz – God Bless your fear and turn it into peace. Fear is not a fruit of the spirit and it is hard to overcome – that ole devil is hard to beat. I remember studying the book of Daniel through a Beth Moore series and talking about how God will bring us to it, through it and be with us always no matter what the out come is. I know it’s easy for those of us who have never had a sick child to tell you to hang in there, but know that you and Lydia and David and your boys are always in our prayers and that’s all we can do. I would hug you if I could, but since I am not there you wrap your arms around yourself, give yourself a bear hug and know that it is from your ‘Florida cousin’. Take care, Sweetie. Love to you all. God’s Peace and Love.
Hardie
August 14, 2008 at 12:53 pm
Liz and Lydia,
Must I say that the picture of Lydia with her fabulous hairpiece is the most darling thing I have ever seen! She is a beauty. Hang tough, Liz. You and Lydia are both fighters. Always remember you have so many prayer warriors out there, girlie! Allow yourself to cry! Don’t think of it as a sign of weakness. This is not what you asked for and you have handled it with such grace. Remember that you are a good christian, but you are also a mommy person too!
Much love. Give sweet Lydia millions and zillions of hugs and kisses. I wish I could love on her!
Take care!
Laura Simmons
Your Childrens Hospital overnight buddy
August 14, 2008 at 1:00 pm
Hi Liz
I can sure resonate with your feelings. And I will keep praying. I read the responses and didn’t see my favorite “fear” verse mentioned:
2 Timothy 1:7 (New Living Translation)
For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.
This is one of my life verses and the enemy attacks me here many times. Greater is He that is in you than he that is in the world!
You are struggling well and the Father loves you all.
Ed
August 14, 2008 at 4:52 pm
Once again, thank you for your amazing vulnerability, I have also been struggling with fear. And reading what you said just hit the nail on the head. The enemy is fear itself; not even what I am afraid of. The enemy is so sly. So I looked up every time God said fear not and it soothed my aching soul… Here are a few, I hope this isn’t too long…
Standing with you in courage and strength, Joni
Fear not [there is nothing to fear], for I am with you; do not look around you in terror and be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen and harden you to difficulties, yes, I will help you; yes, I will hold you up and retain you with My [victorious] right hand of rightness and justice.
Isaiah 41:9-11
For I the Lord your God hold your right hand; I am the Lord, Who says to you, Fear not; I will help you!
Isaiah 41:12-14
But now, this is what the LORD says— he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
Isaiah 43:1-3
Then he said to me, Fear not, Daniel, for from the first day that you set your mind and heart to understand and to humble yourself before your God, your words were heard, and I have come as a consequence of [and in response to] your words.
Daniel 10:11-13
According to the promise that I covenanted with you when you came out of Egypt, so My Spirit stands and abides in the midst of you; fear not.
Haggai 2:4-6
AFTER THESE things, the word of the Lord came to Abram in a vision, saying, Fear not, Abram, I am your Shield, your abundant compensation, and your reward shall be exceedingly great.
Genesis 15:1-3
Moses told the people, Fear not; stand still (firm, confident, undismayed) and see the salvation of the Lord which He will work for you today. For the Egyptians you have seen today you shall never see again.
Exodus 14:12-14
Be strong, courageous, and firm; fear not nor be in terror before them, for it is the Lord your God Who goes with you; He will not fail you or forsake you.
Deuteronomy 31:5-7
It is the Lord Who goes before you; He will [march] with you; He will not fail you or let you go or forsake you; [let there be no cowardice or flinching, but] fear not, neither become broken [in spirit–depressed, dismayed, and unnerved with alarm].
Deuteronomy 31:7-9
Also David told Solomon his son, Be strong and courageous, and do it. Fear not, be not dismayed, for the Lord God, my God, is with you. He will not fail or forsake you until you have finished all the work for the service of the house of the Lord.
1 Chronicles 28:19-21
August 14, 2008 at 8:42 pm
I read all of your posts, and have been thinking about you and Lydia and your whole sweet family. I have been praying for all of you. I do not have any wise words like your friends and family have given you in the previous posts. What a gift you have in all of them. I just wanted to let you know that someone else is, in her daily life, thinking and praying and singing for you. For Lydia.
Much love – JoAnna Laney
August 14, 2008 at 9:27 pm
Hey Liz,
This is Richard Spiller. I am Dr. Susan Spiller’s husband. This past weekend at the The Church at Book Hills, our pastor started a series of messages on The Gospel and Suffering. I found the teaching to be an amazing look at the supreme sovereignty of God in ALL things, including our suffering. I couldn’t help but think of you and Lydia up there in Seattle. So I wanted to send you this link to the page where you can get access to last week’s message.
http://brookhills.org/media/page_audio_chrono_2008.htm
I don’t know if you would have to time to listen to any of it. However if you do, I hope that it can be a benefit and encouragement to you.
Richard
August 14, 2008 at 9:43 pm
Liz, just a minute ago I flipped open Oswald Chamber’s My Utmost for His Highest (By the way, my favorite devotional book of all time!) and found the April 29th entry titled Gracious Uncertainty. You can search his whole book online at
http://www.rbc.org/utmost/index.php
I copied the Gracious Uncertainty entry below:
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Our natural inclination is to be so precise— trying always to forecast accurately what will happen next— that we look upon uncertainty as a bad thing. We think that we must reach some predetermined goal, but that is not the nature of the spiritual life. The nature of the spiritual life is that we are certain in our uncertainty. Consequently, we do not put down roots. Our common sense says, “Well, what if I were in that circumstance?” We cannot presume to see ourselves in any circumstance in which we have never been.
Certainty is the mark of the commonsense life— gracious uncertainty is the mark of the spiritual life. To be certain of God means that we are uncertain in all our ways, not knowing what tomorrow may bring. This is generally expressed with a sigh of sadness, but it should be an expression of breathless expectation. We are uncertain of the next step, but we are certain of God. As soon as we abandon ourselves to God and do the task He has placed closest to us, He begins to fill our lives with surprises. When we become simply a promoter or a defender of a particular belief, something within us dies. That is not believing God — it is only believing our belief about Him. Jesus said, “. . . unless you . . . become as little children . . .” (Matthew 18:3 ). The spiritual life is the life of a child. We are not uncertain of God, just uncertain of what He is going to do next. If our certainty is only in our beliefs, we develop a sense of self-righteousness, become overly critical, and are limited by the view that our beliefs are complete and settled. But when we have the right relationship with God, life is full of spontaneous, joyful uncertainty and expectancy. Jesus said, “. . . believe also in Me” (John 14:1 ), not, “Believe certain things about Me”. Leave everything to Him and it will be gloriously and graciously uncertain how He will come in— but you can be certain that He will come. Remain faithful to Him.
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Liz, I pray that as fears of uncertainty crash in again and again like waves upon the shore, that your thoughts immediately be assured of the certainty of Christ, his consistent and powerful presence in your life, and expectations of a glorious future in Him.
I love you, Liz, and it hurts so bad to see you go through each phase of this battle! However, your transparency is such a blessing to us all. Through your vulnerability, the Lord is not only working in you but in us as well. Your words strike a chord and illuminate the hurdles of humankind, like fear and uncertainty, that we all face in some form or another. What a precious gift you are!!!!
Love, Alli
August 16, 2008 at 1:35 am
Hey Liz-
I have been checkin in on sweet Lydia, and I’m sorry I haven’t commented sooner. I just wanted to encourage you that God’s word says that He who began a good work in you is faithful to complete it. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, but in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will (not might) direct your path. He is a shield of love around you, your family, and your sweet Lydia. I miss our talks, and I want you to know that yall are thought of and in our prayers.
August 16, 2008 at 5:45 pm
I know how hard it is- well not quite- but I do know about fear and it can be paralyzing. Don’t give in to it- you are so strong and you know where your strength comes from. You are an amazing person and God is so faithful- he will see you through this. I am praying for you and will continue to pray for you and Lydia. You have come so far and I am so amazed at how you have handled all of this. You are an inspiration.
Psalm 27:1 “The Lord is my strength and my salvation, whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life, of whom shall I be afraid?” Please take out your Bible and read the rest of the Psalm. I even read it out loud until the fear goes away. Sometimes it takes a while. email me anytime allison.butler@mps.k12.al.us (they spelled my name wrong- it is 2 ll’s on the email). Remember that a lot of people are praying and prayer is powerful.
Love,
Alison