Fear, pride, and sleep deprivation…NEVER a good combination.  Fear of the unknown is the worse fear I have ever experienced.  Yet, that is where we all live.  You never know what the next day will bring.   You can have your plans, but ordinary life changes all the time.  All this to say, a word like “cancer” is big and scary, but the fear of cancer, held more power than the illness itself.  At least that has been true on our journey.  Once Lydia was diagnosed, we dealt with the situation, not knowing the outcome, but trusting God.  The same was true of Lydia’s brain surgeries.  I was petrified of the possibilities, but once we were given a road-map, I could deal with the surgeries.  

Now I sit waiting, wondering what her next problem could be.  Will GVHD come out in full force?  I have been crying my eyes out all week, waiting in fear.  Lydia was sick to her stomach this morning and I kept wondering is this it?  I continually give Lydia over to Him, but the fear of the unknown has been eating away at me…until I realized (just this evening) that it was the fear, not even the circumstance that has been my enemy.